After watching the House Select Committee’s fourth January 6th presentation this afternoon, I conjured the following nightmare scenario. The Hospital CEO, seeking to secure his position as a superstar at corporate headquarters approaches the head of the surgery department with a proposition. “Hector, surgery is our best profit center. I want you to start billing for intra-operative anticoagulant management on all of our surgeries.”
Hector, a principled surgeon responds, “We already do that for all surgical cases that require intra-operative anticoagulant management; to submit such a charge in cases where we didn’t actually do that would be fraud.” The CEO, undeterred, says that he will find a new head of surgery who is more understanding. He calls me.
At a pow wow of senior hospital staff, the CEO informs the Chief of Surgery, that I, currently Chief of Internal Medicine, will be replacing Hector as Chief of Surgery. Hector counters that I have no relevant experience; in fact, I have never performed even a simple appendectomy. (Aside: Hector previously informed me that he could teach a chimpanzee to perform an appendectomy. The rub was teaching the primate when NOT to perform the operation.)
I respond that I have taken care of many cases of pneumonia, pulmonary embolus, deep venous thrombosis, hypertension, and diabetes. Hector answers, “Yes, you are an experienced Internist. Why don’t you go back to your office, and as soon as we have a case of urinary tract infection, we’ll call you.”
Months later, in the early hours of the morning, the FBI raids my home and takes all of my electronic devices. Sigh: I hope that they don’t take my big-screen TVs too.
If they put me outside in the yard while they ransack my house, I’ll be in underwear rather than pajamas.