This last week has left me contemplating how the news would be unfolding if the Orange Horrificus were still President. I think that he would be on the telephone.
- He would hold an hours long perfect call with Governor Andy Beshear of Kentucky. “Why of course the White House is ready to declare a disaster emergency in Kentucky, but before I do that, we have a favor that we want you to do for us.”
- He’d have a similar perfect call with Mitch (The Turtle) McConnell. “Mitch, I’ve spoken with Andy, and the White House will declare a natural disaster emergency for Kentucky. But, in order for your folks to get actual disaster relief, there are a few things that the Senate needs to do for us.”
He would be planning a visit to Lexington for a helicopter fly-over of the flooded areas. That would be followed by an elaborate press conference attended by his head of Communications and Obfuscation and his head of FEMA – a former construction company contractor from Four Seasons Landscaping.
- It would be a grandiose photo-op in which he would praise the National Guard’s response in helping to keep the death toll to 30 or fewer – because some of those missing and presumed dead might still be alive.
- He would have a generous supply of Brawny kitchen towels that he would launch into the adoring crowd comprised only of attendees willing to swear fealty and wear MAGA hats for the occasion. It would have the ethos of a Trump rally.
- Large boxes would be opened as he announced his FEMA Food Relief Program, a private-public partnership. The open boxes would reveal hundreds of Happy Meals complete with fries and ketchup packets. Coke and Diet Coke would be on tap. Unfortunately, ice cream would not be available on account of the machine being broken.
As regards the outbreak (read emerging pandemic) of Monkeypox, Truup would be doing press conferences with his hand-picked entourage of public health quacks led by the distinguished Dr. Joseph Ladapo – Surgeon General of Florida.
- Lapado would tell the viewers that Monkeyox is just another gay plague, and that straight people are not at risk. He would push for conversion therapy rather than vaccination to quell the American epidemic.
- Trump, touting his degree in Modern Medicine from the Truth Social School of Medicine, would proclaim that once all the gays had either converted, or gotten the pox and either died or developed natural immunity, this new pandemic would simply vanish like a miracle (just like COVID did).
As regards this unprecedented, worldwide heat wave and its death toll, Trump would engage with US Governors and world leaders alike.
- He would hold a perfect call with California’s Governor Gavin Newsom to explain that cock-sucking liberals weren’t going to get any federal aid or relief for their fires because, “you didn’t support Trump” and because they were “too damned lazy to sweep their forests the way that people in Northern Europe do.”
- His climate press conferences would emphasize that the heat wave was temporary and would disappear with the arrival of Winter. After all, “Everybody knows that Winter is Coming.”
Don’t you miss having his most Self-Aggrandizing Orange, Pathetically Metabolic Syndromic Horridness in our White House? I know I don’t.